Okay, seriously. It's gotta stop. Over 99 billion served and I account for about half of those. The golden, crunch of fries that leave salt on your lips and fingertips. The way the overprocessed cheese clings to the paper. Why, it's more than I can bear. And apparently i'm not the only one. Recently my friend Max came up with the brilliant idea of taking double cheeseburgers, chicken McNuggets and fries and plating them up on fine china with polished silverware. It was the best dinner party I'd ever had at 1:30 in the morning.I never really thought much about going to McDonald's until the recent slowing of my metabolism. As I began the final stretch to 30, my body made it all too clear that I could no longer afford to maintain my McHabit and keep a 32 waist. So, I made a promise to myself: only one fast food meal a week. Which I'm tragically aware that, to many, still sounds like quite a bit of "calories from fat." But limiting the frequency of my visits only increased the intensity of my cravings and I found it no longer enough to find contentment in a value meal alone.
Now I have a special order down: a #10 value meal (10-piece chicken nuggets with fries and a drink). And when the friendly cashier asks, mostly perfunctorily, "Will that be all?" - I, being that fat ass that I am, reply without hesitation, "Um, no. I'd also like one double-cheeseburger." Why? Because the oh-so-varied tastes of the nuggets and fries isn't enough...I need some of that mad cow with cheese, please.
I also tried ordering diet coke with my meals for a long while. Until it dawned on me that drinking diet coke with a 1,200-calorie meal was about as healthy as jogging instead of walking down to the store to grab another pack of Parliament Lights. So I gave that up and now throw in a real Coke in an attempt to force all the rest of the food to fit within the confines of my stomach long enough for the digestive process to begin.
But fast-food karma is finally catching up with me and it's not being subtle with the signs. I checked my email inbox today to find my horoscope looking down its nose at me with narrowed eyes: "You know those feelings you get after you gobble down a fast-food meal -- regret, heartburn and lethargy? You can prevent that feeling (and apply this to other, less tangible areas of your life as well). Improve your discipline."
WTF!!!?!??!?!?
But then, it's not really my fault. I blame my mother, a product of all those PTA meetings and Den Mother duties in the early 80s that taught her McDonald's was the God of the easy family dinner - much like the TV was the Goddess of babysitting. But I suppose I must admit, my addiction never would have held if I didn't actually love the whole experience. Some of my fondest childhood memories are of birthday parties at McDonald's. Amazing cakes piled with lovable characters made of pure sugar. Shoveling through the fries on your tray to find that golden ticket to the longest french fry contest. And then there were the playgrounds, like miniature Disneylands where you could roam among the multi-colored balls behind the netting...at least until you showed mom that strange-looking needle you'd nearly stepped on.
But most of all, I loved the Happy Meals. Back then they were much more inventive than the +$3.99 watches or the tiny plastic figurines from the latest straight-to-DVD Disney sequel. Back then they had wacky wall-walkers or wind-up Hotwheels. Or sometimes even the boxes the meals came in were the toy, made of plastic train cars for the sandbox or inflatable boats for the community pools in the summer.
Years later it amazed and saddened me to learn that some children were never allowed McDonald's. They're the same children today who are given the option to substitute their fries with a side of apples...yes, APPLES! Some appreciate the attempt to throw a bone to the childhood obesity propaganda, but I think it's really just a clever PR trick. I mean, what kid in their right mind is going to choose apples over french fries?
To this day, I refuse to watch the fast-food documentary "Supersize Me!" I'm almost entirely sure it would take all the fun out it for me. And maybe that's why I can't give it up. Maybe every time I hit the drive-thru, I'm really just searching for the joy and wonder that only a Happy Meal can bring.
